Bragging and self-confidence: Opposite sides of the same coin

Bragging and self-confidence: Opposite sides of the same coin

You can see them coming: the senior with the swagger or the beauty queen with her nose in the air. At first glance, they seem fearless, as if nothing can touch them – if for no other reason than they won’t allow it to. Dig a little deeper, though, and you’ll see fissures in their façades. These seemingly accomplished young people constantly crow about who their parents know, what they bought or where they went over the weekend, how much teachers like them, how well they did on a project everyone else found challenging.

 When it comes right down to it, these “successful” youngsters aren’t really everything they’d have you believe. Underneath their cool exterior likely lay some very uneasy feelings of self-doubt, unworthiness, and fear. How can that be?! They seem to have it all together. The talk about how cool their lives are – what could they possibly be afraid of?

Would you believe the answer is almost everything?

Ask around any classroom or office, and chances are you’ll find someone who’s mom told them it was improper to toot their own horn. “People don’t like braggarts” or “No one likes a show off” might be other iterations on this theme. Well, Mom was right. Most people don’t like braggarts and show offs, but what we sometimes fail to notice is how easy it is to confuse bragging with confidence. I think the two are opposite sides of the same coin.

If you listen to a person with confidence telling you about their accomplishments, they describe their talents, skills, awards, and achievements with pride of ownership. They know they did a good job – it makes them feel good to have done so, they want to share the news with those who will support them, and then they move on. Confident people don’t walk around continually talking about how many hours they volunteer at the animal shelter, what an awesome car their dad has, or how many college acceptance letters they’ve already received. Confident people are doers, not talkers.

Braggers, on the other hand, seem to do nothing but talk. Braggers are comfortable monopolizing the conversation when it’s about their accomplishments in a comfortable arena, but ask them to step outside that comfort zone and you’re likely to see them wiggle. Sure, they might have scored a 2270 on their SATs, but ask them to visit the homeless shelter with you, and they’ll find every excuse to get out of it.

A typical braggart might tell you about how friendly and brave they are, yet would never extend themselves to talk to a stranger. On the other hand, a self-confident person knows what scares him or her, but is willing to take the risk to try the scary activity anyway. Braggers are more about appearances; confident people are more about results.

Does this mean someone with a bragging problem is a bad person? Not at all. It simply means that somewhere along the line, they’ve developed the belief that if people knew the real them, they wouldn’t be good enough or worthy enough of their friendship, support, or belief. Often it’s our parents, who are battling insecurities of their own, that pass these demons down to their children. Sometimes it’s school bullies. But other times, it’s just human nature to think others won’t like us the way we are – so we compensate, trying to prove how great we are by constantly reciting all our successes to anyone who will listen.

How can you help someone with a habit of bragging? This might seem counterintuitive, but one of the best ways is by complimenting them on something they don’t seem to think they do well. Be genuine with them. Chances are that if you’re willing to reveal an insecurity of your own, they may put their defenses down long enough to see that they’re not the only one who has these kinds of challenges.

Bragging and confidence are not the same thing. Confidence is a character trait found in leaders and potential leaders. Any student or adult who wants to grow into a leader must learn to channel their need to brag so that they can find a genuine reason to be confident.

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 ALBERT MENSAH is a champion of opportunity and achieving one’s dreams. Rising from humble beginnings in Ghana, Africa, Albert has become one of the world’s leading student motivational speakers, regularly presenting to groups such as FCCLA, FFA, FBLA, DECA, 4-H, and numerous school assemblies and student council groups. Visit his website to book him to speak at your student assembly, career day, or state or national teachers’ conference.