You are AWESOME just the way you are!

You are AWESOME just the way you are!

HELLO, GORGEOUS! Yes, you. If you’re not sure who I’m talking to because you think there’s no possible way it could be you, you’re in the right place, because today we’re going to talk about self-esteem – and how to improve it if yours is in the dumps. Self-esteem is the way a person thinks about himself or herself. Low self-esteem is a thought pattern in which a person – maybe you? – views themselves as inadequate, unworthy, unlovable, and/or incompetent. The problem is that it’s almost always a FALSE belief or perception!

The good news is that it’s never too late to begin rebuilding your self-esteem, even if it’s been dashed to pieces by people in your life who probably are dealing with self-esteem issues of their own.

If you worry about how you look, wonder “Why did I say that?!” or feel basically like a goofball, you’re probably a very normal teen. Or even a normal person – because trust me, we all feel like that at some point in time or another. You’re heading into the danger zone, though, when you cringe every time you look in a mirror, avoid school or particular people because you fear they’ll laugh at you or won’t like you even though you have no proof, or have begun engaging in self-destructive behavior like drinking, drugs, cutting, ditching school, or promiscuous sex.

Here’s the thing – self-esteem starts with the word SELF, which means that YOU get to determine how you think about yourself. No one else. And how others see and think about you has everything to do with how you think about yourself – not the other way around. What follows is a list of things you can do to begin moving your self-esteem meter from empty toward the FULL line. Promise me something, OK? Even if every last item on this list seems dumb or like it could never work, choose just one and try it for a week. See if you don’t feel any better after a week – and then come back and tell me your results.

Set some achievable goals. This can be large or small, from getting into Harvard to getting your driver’s license to lending a hand to your siblings instead of terrifying them. But if it’s something that you have to reach for, yet you know you can do if you really set your mind to it, you’ll get to see what it feels like to achieve an accomplishment.

Do something productive. One of the worst things you can do when you’re feeling down on yourself if sit around and dwell on all the things that are wrong (with you, your family, your house, your school, your friends, the world in general). So instead of sitting around wallowing, get off your butt and do something! Clean your room (even if you HATE the idea, you’ll feel a lot better afterward). Take the dog for a walk. Clean out your closet. Gather things from around your house and donate them or plan a yard sale. The point is to stop thinking about yourself for a while and do something useful.

Get outside. Studies continue to prove that we all need sun to be healthy – not to soak in for hours so your skin looks like an old shoe, but a few minutes a day. What’s more, spending time outside can get your endorphins flowing and help you start to feel better almost immediately. So go climb a tree, go for a hike or a bike ride, or head to your neighborhood park for a natural high.

Exercise. Now I know that not everyone likes to exercise. To some, it’s the worst. But the human body was meant to move – so if you’re spending all day in front of the TV, your computer, or holed up in your room, your body is probably crying out for some motion. Give exercise a try to enhance your mood naturally, make a new friend, and build your self-esteem while you’re at it.

Notice your self-talk. Admit it – you talk to yourself. You’re not weird – almost all of us do, at least once in a while. Here’s the thing: have you ever noticed what you say when you talk to you? Is it closer to “Hey, great job on that project? I knew you could do it!” or more like “Why can’t you ever get anything right? No wonder no one likes you?” I hope it’s the first example, but I understand if it’s the second one. If you’ve gotten into an unconscious pattern of negative self-talk, you’re going to have to make a concerted effort to change it. But it IS possible to change it. Start by noticing what you say to yourself when you’re alone. Then, if it’s less than positive, honorable, or supportive, work on replacing the negative messages with positive ones. I have a mantra ready to go for just that situation. When I find myself thinking things aren’t going my way, I tell myself, “Everything is perfect exactly the way it is.” And I can tell you from experience that it is. If I’m running late, in a bad mood, or having another problem, I remind myself that everything really is great. What kind of positive catch phrase can you create for yourself?

Examine your negative beliefs. That negative self-talk is probably the result of a series of negative messages that seem to run again and again in your head. Words like “I never get anything right” play subconsciously in the back of your mind, preventing you from developing positive self-esteem. Unfortunately, as we’ve talked about, not every adult does or says the right thing. Maybe you had a parent, teacher, or other adult who said some horrible stuff to you as you were growing up and now, you believe their lies. Chances are, they had someone feeding the same lies to them when they were your age, but they didn’t have anyone like me to interrupt those thoughts before they created deep roots of self-doubt and an ugly outlook on life. I’m here to tell you, the negative things you’ve been hearing and thinking are just lies, ugly programming you’ve unfortunately started to believe. The good news is that you can unlearn that hogwash and begin to program positive thoughts into your head! Start by sitting down with a notepad and pen and writing down some of your core beliefs. Then, one by one, examine them for accuracy and relevance. Is it true that you NEVER get anything right? Of course not! One by one, determine where those beliefs originated, and decide whether or not they are still serving you. If they’re harmful – not helpful – work on disarming them of their power. Reading this post is a great way to begin!

Affirm yourself daily. Do the things that boost your self-esteem, and reinforce them with congratulatory messages. When you do well on a test, give yourself a fist bump! Talk to that girl you like? Woo-hoo! Celebrate the successes. And then build on them. Think of a positive statement you can believe about yourself and put it someplace (or several places) where you’ll see it every day. Maybe tape it to the back of your phone or put it in your wallet. Make it the screen saver on your computer or tablet. Every time you see that message, repeat it to yourself. The key to this affirmation is to write it in the present tense. Not “I will be…” but “I am…” And if you can’t find anything great you truly believe about yourself yet, start with a buffer statement, like “I’m ready to believe that I am…” Walk yourself into it slowly – but say it every day, and you will sooner than later be able to get rid of the “I’m ready to believe” and simply say “I am…”

Take up a hobby or learn a new skill. One of the fastest ways to change how you think about yourself if by learning to do something new. You’ll refocus your attention, possibly meet new people, and develop a new talent you can take pride in. Take it easy on yourself and start with something toward which you already have a natural leaning. Then really immerse yourself in the activity. Soon, you will have mastered it, and with that will come a natural pride in your own accomplishment.

Get dressed up. If you don’t feel so great about yourself, there’s a good chance you’re not taking care of your physical appearance as well as you might. Maybe this means wearing sweatpants to school every day, or wearing a hat instead of ever bothering to style your hair. Have you ever heard the phrase, “If you keep on doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep on getting what you’ve always gotten.” That means it’s time to dust off some of your nicer clothes, style your hair, and dress like you feel good about yourself, whether or not you really do – yet. You will enhance your self-esteem by dressing up, even a little, every time you go out. That can be something as simple as wearing your favorite funky earrings or washing your hair and styling it.

Be nice. There’s an old joke about two men who move to a new town. One moves from the north. He stops into the local chamber of commerce and asks the clerk, “What are the people like here? Back in my old town, everyone was so nice. They greeted you in the morning and helped you out when you needed a hand.” The clerk says, “Well, people are pretty much the same here.” The other man moves from the south. He also stops in at the local chamber and asks, “What are the people like here? Back where I came from, everyone was mean and complained all the time.” The clerk says, “Well, people are pretty much the same here.” We get back what we put out into the world. Instead of waiting for people to come and be nice to you, do something nice for them first. Smile. Say hello. Invite a new student to sit with you at lunch. Join a club. Volunteer. Talk to your elderly neighbor and really take an interested in what they have to say. Be nice first – you’ll be amazed at what comes back to you.

Examine the consequences of continuing down your path of self-doubt. Whether you like it or not, graduation and “real life” are just around the corner. Do you really want to head off to college or begin looking for a job with your head down and dragging along a suitcase of self-doubt that weighs a ton? Decide you want more for your life, and then start taking active steps to change things for the better NOW. Reread this post and take it to heart. You are special, worthy, and lovable – no matter what the messages in your head are telling you. Now how would someone who was special, worthy, and loveable treat themselves?

Do more of what you're good at. One of the best ways to build your self-esteem is by focusing on your accomplishments. Whether you realize it or not, you have a talent. It might be talking with people, telling jokes, writing, art, sports, cooking, or simply keeping your room really tidy. Start keeping a journal of things you've done that make you proud, and begin focusing  on those accomplishments instead of what you're not doing right. No matter how small it is, if you're reading this now, you've done something right in your life. Celebrate your successes and begin building on them. 

Maybe it’s time to lower your expectations. It’s possible that some of your disappointment in yourself comes from too high an expectation of perfection. Learn this now and learn it well: THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT. We’re all human, so we all have flaws – and sometimes we screw up. The key to your personal success lies in your ability to get up and keep going after you fall down. And stop trying to achieve perfection: the perfect weight, perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect grades. Also stop comparing yourself to those around you who seem to be perfect – they’re not. They may just be better actors than you are. You are here, now – as you are. Learn to love that person: short, tall, skinny, red-haired, etc. Whoever you are is enough – more than enough. Let your desire for perfect go.

Stop “shoulding” on yourself. No – not the other thing. Shoulding. I should have… I need to… I ought to… I have to… Reframe these in terms of I am… and I want… and see how things change. When we constantly tell ourselves what we should do or should have done, we reinforce the message that we’re not enough. You are enough, so embrace that, OK?

Make a list. OK, if you’re still with me, you really are determined to boost your self-confidence. So grab a notebook, turn on your favorite music (as long as it’s got a positive message – none of that “I hate you” junk), and sit down to make a list of at least a dozen things you like about yourself. Don’t put any negative stuff on your list, and keep writing until you’ve finished the whole list. It might seem really challenging at first, but it’s essential that you learn to see that you have many positive qualities. Write everything – from the way you tie your shoes to your straight teeth to your organized underwear drawer. Because you’re you, there are good things about you. I’m sure that if you put your mind to it, you can come up with 12 of them.

Compliment yourself. Keep your notebook or computer beside your bed. Every night before you go to sleep, write down a few compliments to yourself. Reflect on your day and note things you did well. Maybe you held the door open for someone at school. Perhaps you got a better grade than you expected on a paper. Maybe you’re succeeding at cleaning up your language or you had fruit instead of a cookie at lunch. Just note the things that deserve that fist bump and put them down. The next morning, before you get dressed, review the previous day’s list of compliments. Starting on a positive note will help you carry that feeling through the rest of the day.

You are special, worthy, and important. I believe that from the tip of my head to the bottom of my feet. Isn’t it time YOU started believing it too?

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ALBERT MENSAH is a champion of opportunity and achieving one’s dreams. Rising from humble beginnings in Ghana, Africa, Albert has become one of the world’s leading student motivational speakers, regularly presenting to groups such as FCCLA, FFA, FBLA, DECA, 4-H, and numerous school assemblies and student council groups. Visit his website to book him to speak at your student assembly, career day, or state or national teachers’ conference.

Finding the Courage to Stand Up to Peer Pressure

Peer pressure is influence exerted by one’s equals or an individual to encourage others in the group to change their attitudes, values, or behaviors in order to conform to group norms.

While peer pressure is most commonly associated with youth, in part because most teens spend large amounts of time at school and in social groups, it also affects members of political parties, trade unions, and adult social circles. Going along with the crowd might also be referred to as a mob mentality.

Most people have been affected by peer pressure at one time or another, but teens seem to deal with it most often. As one anonymous student wrote, “Peer-pressure can kill young people because they listen to their friends more than their parents.” Teen peer pressure is so dangerous because the desire to fit in can cause conflict between doing what you know is right and doing what it takes to fit in with the crowd.

Peer Pressure Can Take Many Forms 

• Pressure to be cool and dress like everyone else and/or have the latest gadget (e.g., iPhone, Wii U, or tablet), even if it means spending money you (or your parents) don’t have.
• Pressure to mimic the attitudes of your friends. They think good grades are for geeks and you want to be popular with them so you let your grades slide – even though school really does matter to you. Or if one suggests cutting class, you feel pressured to cut, too.
• Social pressure to join a club, hang out in a certain spot, or participate in a sport, even when you have no real interest in it.
• Pressure to date the right person – and/or have sex before you’re ready because you think everyone else is doing it, too.
• Pressure to drink, use drugs, huff, or get high. You may feel pressured to go along in order to fit in, or because someone wants you to lose control so they can talk you into something you wouldn’t do while sober.
• Pressure to exclude someone from your social group or treat them badly because they’re different, unpopular, a poor student, or new at your school.

Some teens give in to peer pressure because they want to be liked or fit in, or are afraid that other teens will make fun of them. Some follow the crowd because they are curious about trying something new. Usually, though, the teens who cave to peer pressure are more concerned about what others think of them than they are about what they think of themselves.

Most teens survive their teen years relatively unscarred. But peer pressure can certainly take a toll on those who haven’t yet figured out how to stand in their power and say no to following the crowd. Peer pressure can have negative mental effects, resulting in even lower self-esteem. No matter how hard you try to fit in, by changing yourself to meet someone else’s ideal, you’ll never be truly comfortable because you’re not being yourself. Peer pressure can also have negative physical effects. Drugs, alcohol, and sex can cause illness, but they can even mean risking your life. Is “fitting in” really worth putting your life on the line?

Saying No to Peer Pressure

It can be difficult to be the only person in your peer group who says no to peer pressure, but you can do it. Pay attention to your own feelings and beliefs about what is right and wrong and rely on your intuition for the strength to stand firm, walk away, or resist going along with the crowd when, deep inside, you know better.

You might have heard your parents tell you to choose your friends wisely. Guess what – your parents are so smart! Having at least one friend who is also willing to say no can make a huge difference, since it gives you an ally and makes saying no much easier. Avoid students who make you feel uncomfortable or lift themselves up by tearing you down. Surround yourself with teens who share the same interests and accept you for who you are. Real friends never demand that you be anyone other than your authentic self.

And even if you get caught up in a group of “popular kids,” remember that you always have the option and right to stand up and say no. You have the option and right to stick up for yourself, do the right thing, and do so without explaining yourself. It may be hard to believe, but people may have MORE respect for you if you say no than if you just go along because “everyone else is doing it.”

Remember that every choice you make has consequences, which may be trivial (e.g., you cut class and fail a test) or life-changing (e.g., you get in a car with a friend who’s been drinking and wind up paralyzed). Before you let your friends pressure you into something you know isn’t right for you, think about those choices and consequences. And if you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation and can’t find the words to say no, you can always use your parents as an excuse. “I can't go out tonight because my aunt is in town,” or “My parents told me they’ll restrict my driving privileges if I'm not home by 10:30.”

The absolutely best way to fight peer pressure is by building your own self-confidence so that you have the courage to be yourself. When you act confidently and believe in yourself, you don't have to worry about impressing other people or doing what they say just to feel accepted. When you have self-respect, you know your own limits, values, and what’s right and wrong – and you’re willing to do the right thing, no matter what others think.

Powerful, Positive Peer Pressure

We’ve talked about the down sides, but peer pressure isn’t always a bad thing. For instance, you and your friends can pressure bullies into having more respect for the teens they usually pick on. Maybe a friend who’s a better student teaches you some tricks for developing good study skills. You might admire another teen who’s always in a good mood and try to model their attitude. Maybe your church group encourages volunteering with a local charity, which makes you feel like you can really make a difference.

What Parents Can Do

•         Get to know your teen’s friends and have conversations with them.

•         Build your teen’s self-esteem and encourage them to be themselves.

•         Remember what it was like for you to be a teen – and empathize, even if your child’s problem now seems trivial.

•         Take an honest interest in who they spend time with, where they go, and how they spend their money.

•         Pay attention to your teen’s online behaviors.

•         Talk openly – and without judgment – about concerns you have.

_________________

ALBERT MENSAH is a champion of opportunity and achieving one’s dreams. Rising from humble beginnings in Ghana, Africa, Albert has become one of the world’s leading student motivational speakers, regularly presenting to groups such as FCCLA, FFA, FBLA, DECA, 4-H, and numerous school assemblies and student council groups. Visit his website to book him to speak at your student assembly, career day, or state or national teachers’ conference.