Bullies Only Win When No One Interrupts Them

Bullies Only Win When No One Interrupts Them

More than likely, we’ve all heard the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” But it’s not entirely true, is it – because words CAN hurt, sometimes more than a physical punch would, it seems. Chances are, though, that even the smartest and kindest among us have, at some point, resorted to name calling or abusive language, probably when we felt hurt or threatened by someone – maybe even someone close to us. Fortunately, for most of us, situations like this are a rare occurrence, whether we’re on the giving or receiving end.

Then there are those teens – you may know one, or be one – who deal with the ongoing torment of name-calling, verbal abuse, and bullying. The thing is, bullying can take many shapes and forms, from verbal bullying to physical bullying to text and cyberbullying to workplace bullying. And it’s estimated that between 40 and 70 percent of all teens are affected by bullying – either on the receiving end or the menacing end.

Bullying involves the aggressive, often habitual use of force, coercion, or physical/social imbalance to belittle, abuse, or intimidate another. It is done in an effort to make the victim feel inadequate or uncomfortable but in extreme cases can take the form of physical abuse.

Generally speaking, bullying is done deliberately and is not an isolated incident. It is committed by a the person with more power (whether physical, intellectual, or other) in the situation, against a person who has less power.

So here’s the million-dollar question: Why do bullies take such pleasure in intimidating their victims?

Bullies come in all shapes, sizes, and backgrounds – although they do tend to be popular with fellow students, more often than not. The reasons they bully include a need to dominate others, impulse control issues, problems managing anger, jealousy, anxiety, and other negative feelings, and difficulty tolerating others who are “different.” Children and teens with conditions like ADHD and oppositional defiant disorder are more likely to become bullies, as are children whose parents and extended families:

•  demonstrate little warmth and interest
•  habitually use force, threats, humiliation or intimidation to get their way 
• are overly permissive, tending to “look the other way” when their child demonstrates aggression or violence

Though physical injuries and scars can result from bullying, the emotional effects can be even worse – leading to drug use, stunted social development, depression, and even suicide. When these issues go untreated, they can follow a young person into adulthood, causing problems and feelings of social and professional inadequacy. Additionally, the victims of bullies have been known to engage in brutal revenge fantasies – and we’ve all heard of cases where students have decided to act on these violent desires.

Gay and transgender teens are among the most likely to become victims of teen bullies.

AVOID BECOMING A BULLY’S TARGET

There are a few things you (or your child) can do to avoid becoming prey for the bullies in your school.

• Assert an air of confidence, even if you don’t really feel all that sure of yourself. Bullies can sense fear and low self-esteem, and they hone in on their fellow students who are unlikely to fight back, if only because they feel like they deserve to be picked on.
• Develop the habit of making eye contact. Eye contact is a characteristic of a confident person – when you meet the potential bully eye-to-eye, he or she will be much more likely to back off.
• Avoid feeling and thinking like a victim. The world might not be fair, but there’s no reason for you to attract problems like bullies, so stop sending out signals that say you revel in the pain. If you happen to be unjustly teased or punched, learn to stand up for yourself, but don’t wallow. Ask for help from a trusted adult to get through the situation gracefully, and then work on building your self-esteem so you can look the bully in the eye next time. Remember, he or she is counting on the fact that you won’t stand up for yourself.
• Learn to be assertive. Of course, it helps if you know the distinction between being assertive and being aggressive. Bullies are aggressive – you don’t want to become the person you hate. Assertive individuals, on the other hand, stand up for themselves, even when it’s frightening to do so, and are able to defend themselves or others against unfair attacks.
• Improve your self-esteem. Like we said above, bullies are looking for easy targets. If you respond when they tease you or call you names, you feed their negative energy. If, on the other hand, you seem comfortable, capable, and confident, the bullies in your school are going to be much more likely to leave you alone and go in search of an easier target.
• Develop strong friendships. Have you ever noticed that they kids who are most likely to get bullied are isolated and don’t have a group of friends to support and/or defend them? Even if you feel like an outsider, find others who share your interests and create a bond. Just one strong friendship will reduce the likelihood that a bully will set his or her sights on you.
• Hold the bullies responsible. More and more, we’re starting to see programs to stem or stop bullying – and part of that has to do with understanding that the bullies need to take responsibility for their behavior. Even if you have been the target of a bully at some point, it’s not your fault – and you are still loveable, wonderful person! It’s just time to start acting like it, and holding the bullies responsible for their destructive behavior.

FOR PARENTS: WAYS TO PREVENT BULLYING

While it may seem next to impossible to prevent bullying, anti-bully programs are flourishing in schools, and schools are slowly starting to see a decline in this centuries-old practice. Here are a few steps that can help prevent bullying from taking hold in the first place.

1.      Start early, at home. Have conversations with your children about what a healthy friendship looks like – and what is unhealthy. It seems that parents are often unaware that their children are being bullied or acting as bullies – but this can easily be thwarted by talking with your teens and tweens every day – and really listening to their answers about their days. Open-ended questions (those that require more than a “yes” or “no” answer) will give your child to tell you a lot about what’s really going on at school.

2.      Learn to recognize signs that your child might be dealing with a bully. Children who are being bullied may be ashamed – or worse, feel they’ve done something to deserve being picked on – and they may not tell you it’s happening. So it’s your job to pay attention and notice shifts in behavior. Other common signs include:

• Unexplained injuries
• Lost or damaged clothing, books, electronics, or jewelry
• Frequent headaches, stomachaches, feeling sick, or faking illness so they don’t have to go to school
• Changes in eating habits like suddenly seeming ravenous in the afternoon; they may really be hungry because they skipped lunch.
• Problems sleeping or frequent nightmares
• Declining grades or loss of interest in schoolwor
• Sudden loss of friends or habitually avoiding social situations
• Noticeable decrease in self-esteem
• Self-destructive behaviors like running away from home, harming themselves, or making comments about suicide

Note – any of these as an isolated incident may just be your teen being a teen. But if you start to notice multiple symptoms, it’s likely time to have a frank – and compassionate – talk with your child.

3.      Teach them healthy habits. As the parent, one of your jobs is instilling values – which include a mindset of inclusion, not exclusion of those who are in some way different. This means more than teaching your child not to hit, shove, or tease their peers. You must also teach them that healthy behaviors do not include judgmental comments, hurtful jokes, or spreading rumors – that, in fact, these are the behaviors of a bully. Make sure to emphasize that kind behavior must reach into their online behavior, too.

4.      Empower your children to stand up to the bullies. It’s never too early to empower your children with skills like walking away, confiding in a trusted adult, or simply standing up to the bully and saying “NO!” Equally important is teaching them that their silence while they see bullying happening is as bad as doing the bullying themselves. True friends don’t bully – so teach them that defending a bully is unacceptable. They must hear from you that it’s important that they report any of their classmates who are threatening other students.

5.      Have a plan if you find out bullying is taking place. It's important that you understand the policies at your child's school for handling bullying. In taking this proactive step, you will learn what you should do if you learn of bullying as well as have a realistic expectation for how the school will handle the situation.

6.      Report any incidents of bullying. If you discover that your child is being bullied, contact the school and ask to meet with the principal and teacher(s) in person. With a face-to-face meeting, you will demonstrate your commitment to getting to the bottom of the situation as quickly as possible. It’s also a good idea to document all bullying incidents, should the case unfortunately escalate and require the involvement of law enforcement.

7.      Work with the school or PTO/PTA to develop an anti-bullying program. The more involved you can be, the better for all concerned. Volunteer to work with your child's teachers, the school guidance counselor, and/or the PTO/PTA to develop or facilitate an anti-bullying program. Offer to help with fundraisers, chair meetings, or any other tasks that will help the program succeed.

8.      Encourage other parents to get involved. The more parents involved in a school’s anti-bullying program, the greater the likelihood it will succeed. You can’t – and shouldn’t – do it alone. Recruit a group of motivated parents to help you tackle this important issue. Have regular meetings to brainstorm ideas and share them with the appropriate school staff and administrators to determine the best ways to implement them.

9.      Have a presence at your child’s school. Most schools are in desperate need of parent volunteers for lunch and playground supervision. If your schedule permits, get involved! Sometimes all it takes to deter bullying is the presence of an additional concerned adult.

RESOURCES:

 

http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/teenage-bullying.html

http://childrenshospital.org/az/Site2912/mainpageS2912P1.html

http://bullying.about.com/od/Victims/a/8-Things-Kids-Need-To-Avoid-Bullies-At-School.htm

http://bullying.about.com/od/Schools/tp/10-Ways-To-Prevent-Bullying-At-School.htm

http://www.stopbullying.gov/at-risk/warning-signs/index.html

 

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ALBERT MENSAH is a champion of opportunity and achieving one’s dreams. Rising from humble beginnings in Ghana, Africa, Albert has become one of the world’s leading student motivational speakers, regularly presenting to groups such as FCCLA, FFA, FBLA, DECA, 4-H, and numerous school assemblies and student council groups. Visit his website to book him to speak at your student assembly, career day, or state or national teachers’ conference.