You are AWESOME just the way you are!

You are AWESOME just the way you are!

HELLO, GORGEOUS! Yes, you. If you’re not sure who I’m talking to because you think there’s no possible way it could be you, you’re in the right place, because today we’re going to talk about self-esteem – and how to improve it if yours is in the dumps. Self-esteem is the way a person thinks about himself or herself. Low self-esteem is a thought pattern in which a person – maybe you? – views themselves as inadequate, unworthy, unlovable, and/or incompetent. The problem is that it’s almost always a FALSE belief or perception!

The good news is that it’s never too late to begin rebuilding your self-esteem, even if it’s been dashed to pieces by people in your life who probably are dealing with self-esteem issues of their own.

If you worry about how you look, wonder “Why did I say that?!” or feel basically like a goofball, you’re probably a very normal teen. Or even a normal person – because trust me, we all feel like that at some point in time or another. You’re heading into the danger zone, though, when you cringe every time you look in a mirror, avoid school or particular people because you fear they’ll laugh at you or won’t like you even though you have no proof, or have begun engaging in self-destructive behavior like drinking, drugs, cutting, ditching school, or promiscuous sex.

Here’s the thing – self-esteem starts with the word SELF, which means that YOU get to determine how you think about yourself. No one else. And how others see and think about you has everything to do with how you think about yourself – not the other way around. What follows is a list of things you can do to begin moving your self-esteem meter from empty toward the FULL line. Promise me something, OK? Even if every last item on this list seems dumb or like it could never work, choose just one and try it for a week. See if you don’t feel any better after a week – and then come back and tell me your results.

Set some achievable goals. This can be large or small, from getting into Harvard to getting your driver’s license to lending a hand to your siblings instead of terrifying them. But if it’s something that you have to reach for, yet you know you can do if you really set your mind to it, you’ll get to see what it feels like to achieve an accomplishment.

Do something productive. One of the worst things you can do when you’re feeling down on yourself if sit around and dwell on all the things that are wrong (with you, your family, your house, your school, your friends, the world in general). So instead of sitting around wallowing, get off your butt and do something! Clean your room (even if you HATE the idea, you’ll feel a lot better afterward). Take the dog for a walk. Clean out your closet. Gather things from around your house and donate them or plan a yard sale. The point is to stop thinking about yourself for a while and do something useful.

Get outside. Studies continue to prove that we all need sun to be healthy – not to soak in for hours so your skin looks like an old shoe, but a few minutes a day. What’s more, spending time outside can get your endorphins flowing and help you start to feel better almost immediately. So go climb a tree, go for a hike or a bike ride, or head to your neighborhood park for a natural high.

Exercise. Now I know that not everyone likes to exercise. To some, it’s the worst. But the human body was meant to move – so if you’re spending all day in front of the TV, your computer, or holed up in your room, your body is probably crying out for some motion. Give exercise a try to enhance your mood naturally, make a new friend, and build your self-esteem while you’re at it.

Notice your self-talk. Admit it – you talk to yourself. You’re not weird – almost all of us do, at least once in a while. Here’s the thing: have you ever noticed what you say when you talk to you? Is it closer to “Hey, great job on that project? I knew you could do it!” or more like “Why can’t you ever get anything right? No wonder no one likes you?” I hope it’s the first example, but I understand if it’s the second one. If you’ve gotten into an unconscious pattern of negative self-talk, you’re going to have to make a concerted effort to change it. But it IS possible to change it. Start by noticing what you say to yourself when you’re alone. Then, if it’s less than positive, honorable, or supportive, work on replacing the negative messages with positive ones. I have a mantra ready to go for just that situation. When I find myself thinking things aren’t going my way, I tell myself, “Everything is perfect exactly the way it is.” And I can tell you from experience that it is. If I’m running late, in a bad mood, or having another problem, I remind myself that everything really is great. What kind of positive catch phrase can you create for yourself?

Examine your negative beliefs. That negative self-talk is probably the result of a series of negative messages that seem to run again and again in your head. Words like “I never get anything right” play subconsciously in the back of your mind, preventing you from developing positive self-esteem. Unfortunately, as we’ve talked about, not every adult does or says the right thing. Maybe you had a parent, teacher, or other adult who said some horrible stuff to you as you were growing up and now, you believe their lies. Chances are, they had someone feeding the same lies to them when they were your age, but they didn’t have anyone like me to interrupt those thoughts before they created deep roots of self-doubt and an ugly outlook on life. I’m here to tell you, the negative things you’ve been hearing and thinking are just lies, ugly programming you’ve unfortunately started to believe. The good news is that you can unlearn that hogwash and begin to program positive thoughts into your head! Start by sitting down with a notepad and pen and writing down some of your core beliefs. Then, one by one, examine them for accuracy and relevance. Is it true that you NEVER get anything right? Of course not! One by one, determine where those beliefs originated, and decide whether or not they are still serving you. If they’re harmful – not helpful – work on disarming them of their power. Reading this post is a great way to begin!

Affirm yourself daily. Do the things that boost your self-esteem, and reinforce them with congratulatory messages. When you do well on a test, give yourself a fist bump! Talk to that girl you like? Woo-hoo! Celebrate the successes. And then build on them. Think of a positive statement you can believe about yourself and put it someplace (or several places) where you’ll see it every day. Maybe tape it to the back of your phone or put it in your wallet. Make it the screen saver on your computer or tablet. Every time you see that message, repeat it to yourself. The key to this affirmation is to write it in the present tense. Not “I will be…” but “I am…” And if you can’t find anything great you truly believe about yourself yet, start with a buffer statement, like “I’m ready to believe that I am…” Walk yourself into it slowly – but say it every day, and you will sooner than later be able to get rid of the “I’m ready to believe” and simply say “I am…”

Take up a hobby or learn a new skill. One of the fastest ways to change how you think about yourself if by learning to do something new. You’ll refocus your attention, possibly meet new people, and develop a new talent you can take pride in. Take it easy on yourself and start with something toward which you already have a natural leaning. Then really immerse yourself in the activity. Soon, you will have mastered it, and with that will come a natural pride in your own accomplishment.

Get dressed up. If you don’t feel so great about yourself, there’s a good chance you’re not taking care of your physical appearance as well as you might. Maybe this means wearing sweatpants to school every day, or wearing a hat instead of ever bothering to style your hair. Have you ever heard the phrase, “If you keep on doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep on getting what you’ve always gotten.” That means it’s time to dust off some of your nicer clothes, style your hair, and dress like you feel good about yourself, whether or not you really do – yet. You will enhance your self-esteem by dressing up, even a little, every time you go out. That can be something as simple as wearing your favorite funky earrings or washing your hair and styling it.

Be nice. There’s an old joke about two men who move to a new town. One moves from the north. He stops into the local chamber of commerce and asks the clerk, “What are the people like here? Back in my old town, everyone was so nice. They greeted you in the morning and helped you out when you needed a hand.” The clerk says, “Well, people are pretty much the same here.” The other man moves from the south. He also stops in at the local chamber and asks, “What are the people like here? Back where I came from, everyone was mean and complained all the time.” The clerk says, “Well, people are pretty much the same here.” We get back what we put out into the world. Instead of waiting for people to come and be nice to you, do something nice for them first. Smile. Say hello. Invite a new student to sit with you at lunch. Join a club. Volunteer. Talk to your elderly neighbor and really take an interested in what they have to say. Be nice first – you’ll be amazed at what comes back to you.

Examine the consequences of continuing down your path of self-doubt. Whether you like it or not, graduation and “real life” are just around the corner. Do you really want to head off to college or begin looking for a job with your head down and dragging along a suitcase of self-doubt that weighs a ton? Decide you want more for your life, and then start taking active steps to change things for the better NOW. Reread this post and take it to heart. You are special, worthy, and lovable – no matter what the messages in your head are telling you. Now how would someone who was special, worthy, and loveable treat themselves?

Do more of what you're good at. One of the best ways to build your self-esteem is by focusing on your accomplishments. Whether you realize it or not, you have a talent. It might be talking with people, telling jokes, writing, art, sports, cooking, or simply keeping your room really tidy. Start keeping a journal of things you've done that make you proud, and begin focusing  on those accomplishments instead of what you're not doing right. No matter how small it is, if you're reading this now, you've done something right in your life. Celebrate your successes and begin building on them. 

Maybe it’s time to lower your expectations. It’s possible that some of your disappointment in yourself comes from too high an expectation of perfection. Learn this now and learn it well: THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT. We’re all human, so we all have flaws – and sometimes we screw up. The key to your personal success lies in your ability to get up and keep going after you fall down. And stop trying to achieve perfection: the perfect weight, perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect grades. Also stop comparing yourself to those around you who seem to be perfect – they’re not. They may just be better actors than you are. You are here, now – as you are. Learn to love that person: short, tall, skinny, red-haired, etc. Whoever you are is enough – more than enough. Let your desire for perfect go.

Stop “shoulding” on yourself. No – not the other thing. Shoulding. I should have… I need to… I ought to… I have to… Reframe these in terms of I am… and I want… and see how things change. When we constantly tell ourselves what we should do or should have done, we reinforce the message that we’re not enough. You are enough, so embrace that, OK?

Make a list. OK, if you’re still with me, you really are determined to boost your self-confidence. So grab a notebook, turn on your favorite music (as long as it’s got a positive message – none of that “I hate you” junk), and sit down to make a list of at least a dozen things you like about yourself. Don’t put any negative stuff on your list, and keep writing until you’ve finished the whole list. It might seem really challenging at first, but it’s essential that you learn to see that you have many positive qualities. Write everything – from the way you tie your shoes to your straight teeth to your organized underwear drawer. Because you’re you, there are good things about you. I’m sure that if you put your mind to it, you can come up with 12 of them.

Compliment yourself. Keep your notebook or computer beside your bed. Every night before you go to sleep, write down a few compliments to yourself. Reflect on your day and note things you did well. Maybe you held the door open for someone at school. Perhaps you got a better grade than you expected on a paper. Maybe you’re succeeding at cleaning up your language or you had fruit instead of a cookie at lunch. Just note the things that deserve that fist bump and put them down. The next morning, before you get dressed, review the previous day’s list of compliments. Starting on a positive note will help you carry that feeling through the rest of the day.

You are special, worthy, and important. I believe that from the tip of my head to the bottom of my feet. Isn’t it time YOU started believing it too?

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ALBERT MENSAH is a champion of opportunity and achieving one’s dreams. Rising from humble beginnings in Ghana, Africa, Albert has become one of the world’s leading student motivational speakers, regularly presenting to groups such as FCCLA, FFA, FBLA, DECA, 4-H, and numerous school assemblies and student council groups. Visit his website to book him to speak at your student assembly, career day, or state or national teachers’ conference.

Bullies Only Win When No One Interrupts Them

Bullies Only Win When No One Interrupts Them

More than likely, we’ve all heard the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” But it’s not entirely true, is it – because words CAN hurt, sometimes more than a physical punch would, it seems. Chances are, though, that even the smartest and kindest among us have, at some point, resorted to name calling or abusive language, probably when we felt hurt or threatened by someone – maybe even someone close to us. Fortunately, for most of us, situations like this are a rare occurrence, whether we’re on the giving or receiving end.

Then there are those teens – you may know one, or be one – who deal with the ongoing torment of name-calling, verbal abuse, and bullying. The thing is, bullying can take many shapes and forms, from verbal bullying to physical bullying to text and cyberbullying to workplace bullying. And it’s estimated that between 40 and 70 percent of all teens are affected by bullying – either on the receiving end or the menacing end.

Bullying involves the aggressive, often habitual use of force, coercion, or physical/social imbalance to belittle, abuse, or intimidate another. It is done in an effort to make the victim feel inadequate or uncomfortable but in extreme cases can take the form of physical abuse.

Generally speaking, bullying is done deliberately and is not an isolated incident. It is committed by a the person with more power (whether physical, intellectual, or other) in the situation, against a person who has less power.

So here’s the million-dollar question: Why do bullies take such pleasure in intimidating their victims?

Bullies come in all shapes, sizes, and backgrounds – although they do tend to be popular with fellow students, more often than not. The reasons they bully include a need to dominate others, impulse control issues, problems managing anger, jealousy, anxiety, and other negative feelings, and difficulty tolerating others who are “different.” Children and teens with conditions like ADHD and oppositional defiant disorder are more likely to become bullies, as are children whose parents and extended families:

•  demonstrate little warmth and interest
•  habitually use force, threats, humiliation or intimidation to get their way 
• are overly permissive, tending to “look the other way” when their child demonstrates aggression or violence

Though physical injuries and scars can result from bullying, the emotional effects can be even worse – leading to drug use, stunted social development, depression, and even suicide. When these issues go untreated, they can follow a young person into adulthood, causing problems and feelings of social and professional inadequacy. Additionally, the victims of bullies have been known to engage in brutal revenge fantasies – and we’ve all heard of cases where students have decided to act on these violent desires.

Gay and transgender teens are among the most likely to become victims of teen bullies.

AVOID BECOMING A BULLY’S TARGET

There are a few things you (or your child) can do to avoid becoming prey for the bullies in your school.

• Assert an air of confidence, even if you don’t really feel all that sure of yourself. Bullies can sense fear and low self-esteem, and they hone in on their fellow students who are unlikely to fight back, if only because they feel like they deserve to be picked on.
• Develop the habit of making eye contact. Eye contact is a characteristic of a confident person – when you meet the potential bully eye-to-eye, he or she will be much more likely to back off.
• Avoid feeling and thinking like a victim. The world might not be fair, but there’s no reason for you to attract problems like bullies, so stop sending out signals that say you revel in the pain. If you happen to be unjustly teased or punched, learn to stand up for yourself, but don’t wallow. Ask for help from a trusted adult to get through the situation gracefully, and then work on building your self-esteem so you can look the bully in the eye next time. Remember, he or she is counting on the fact that you won’t stand up for yourself.
• Learn to be assertive. Of course, it helps if you know the distinction between being assertive and being aggressive. Bullies are aggressive – you don’t want to become the person you hate. Assertive individuals, on the other hand, stand up for themselves, even when it’s frightening to do so, and are able to defend themselves or others against unfair attacks.
• Improve your self-esteem. Like we said above, bullies are looking for easy targets. If you respond when they tease you or call you names, you feed their negative energy. If, on the other hand, you seem comfortable, capable, and confident, the bullies in your school are going to be much more likely to leave you alone and go in search of an easier target.
• Develop strong friendships. Have you ever noticed that they kids who are most likely to get bullied are isolated and don’t have a group of friends to support and/or defend them? Even if you feel like an outsider, find others who share your interests and create a bond. Just one strong friendship will reduce the likelihood that a bully will set his or her sights on you.
• Hold the bullies responsible. More and more, we’re starting to see programs to stem or stop bullying – and part of that has to do with understanding that the bullies need to take responsibility for their behavior. Even if you have been the target of a bully at some point, it’s not your fault – and you are still loveable, wonderful person! It’s just time to start acting like it, and holding the bullies responsible for their destructive behavior.

FOR PARENTS: WAYS TO PREVENT BULLYING

While it may seem next to impossible to prevent bullying, anti-bully programs are flourishing in schools, and schools are slowly starting to see a decline in this centuries-old practice. Here are a few steps that can help prevent bullying from taking hold in the first place.

1.      Start early, at home. Have conversations with your children about what a healthy friendship looks like – and what is unhealthy. It seems that parents are often unaware that their children are being bullied or acting as bullies – but this can easily be thwarted by talking with your teens and tweens every day – and really listening to their answers about their days. Open-ended questions (those that require more than a “yes” or “no” answer) will give your child to tell you a lot about what’s really going on at school.

2.      Learn to recognize signs that your child might be dealing with a bully. Children who are being bullied may be ashamed – or worse, feel they’ve done something to deserve being picked on – and they may not tell you it’s happening. So it’s your job to pay attention and notice shifts in behavior. Other common signs include:

• Unexplained injuries
• Lost or damaged clothing, books, electronics, or jewelry
• Frequent headaches, stomachaches, feeling sick, or faking illness so they don’t have to go to school
• Changes in eating habits like suddenly seeming ravenous in the afternoon; they may really be hungry because they skipped lunch.
• Problems sleeping or frequent nightmares
• Declining grades or loss of interest in schoolwor
• Sudden loss of friends or habitually avoiding social situations
• Noticeable decrease in self-esteem
• Self-destructive behaviors like running away from home, harming themselves, or making comments about suicide

Note – any of these as an isolated incident may just be your teen being a teen. But if you start to notice multiple symptoms, it’s likely time to have a frank – and compassionate – talk with your child.

3.      Teach them healthy habits. As the parent, one of your jobs is instilling values – which include a mindset of inclusion, not exclusion of those who are in some way different. This means more than teaching your child not to hit, shove, or tease their peers. You must also teach them that healthy behaviors do not include judgmental comments, hurtful jokes, or spreading rumors – that, in fact, these are the behaviors of a bully. Make sure to emphasize that kind behavior must reach into their online behavior, too.

4.      Empower your children to stand up to the bullies. It’s never too early to empower your children with skills like walking away, confiding in a trusted adult, or simply standing up to the bully and saying “NO!” Equally important is teaching them that their silence while they see bullying happening is as bad as doing the bullying themselves. True friends don’t bully – so teach them that defending a bully is unacceptable. They must hear from you that it’s important that they report any of their classmates who are threatening other students.

5.      Have a plan if you find out bullying is taking place. It's important that you understand the policies at your child's school for handling bullying. In taking this proactive step, you will learn what you should do if you learn of bullying as well as have a realistic expectation for how the school will handle the situation.

6.      Report any incidents of bullying. If you discover that your child is being bullied, contact the school and ask to meet with the principal and teacher(s) in person. With a face-to-face meeting, you will demonstrate your commitment to getting to the bottom of the situation as quickly as possible. It’s also a good idea to document all bullying incidents, should the case unfortunately escalate and require the involvement of law enforcement.

7.      Work with the school or PTO/PTA to develop an anti-bullying program. The more involved you can be, the better for all concerned. Volunteer to work with your child's teachers, the school guidance counselor, and/or the PTO/PTA to develop or facilitate an anti-bullying program. Offer to help with fundraisers, chair meetings, or any other tasks that will help the program succeed.

8.      Encourage other parents to get involved. The more parents involved in a school’s anti-bullying program, the greater the likelihood it will succeed. You can’t – and shouldn’t – do it alone. Recruit a group of motivated parents to help you tackle this important issue. Have regular meetings to brainstorm ideas and share them with the appropriate school staff and administrators to determine the best ways to implement them.

9.      Have a presence at your child’s school. Most schools are in desperate need of parent volunteers for lunch and playground supervision. If your schedule permits, get involved! Sometimes all it takes to deter bullying is the presence of an additional concerned adult.

RESOURCES:

 

http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/teenage-bullying.html

http://childrenshospital.org/az/Site2912/mainpageS2912P1.html

http://bullying.about.com/od/Victims/a/8-Things-Kids-Need-To-Avoid-Bullies-At-School.htm

http://bullying.about.com/od/Schools/tp/10-Ways-To-Prevent-Bullying-At-School.htm

http://www.stopbullying.gov/at-risk/warning-signs/index.html

 

__________________

ALBERT MENSAH is a champion of opportunity and achieving one’s dreams. Rising from humble beginnings in Ghana, Africa, Albert has become one of the world’s leading student motivational speakers, regularly presenting to groups such as FCCLA, FFA, FBLA, DECA, 4-H, and numerous school assemblies and student council groups. Visit his website to book him to speak at your student assembly, career day, or state or national teachers’ conference.